The Four Idiots
by XietyDiety
Summary: A parody beyond epic proportions. You know how it goes: Link pulls out the Four Sword and three more derps are thrown into the mix. This is what happens when the authors act a little high and the characters have minor control of the story. R&R. Minor OCs.
1. The Misadventure Begins

**[Quick Authors' Note]**

**Why, hello, and welcome to our story!  
>This account is basically consisted of two authors (well, for <em>this<em> story, anyway). I am Xiety and my co-worker here is Diety! Cleverly splitting up the pen name, how awesomely clever are we?  
>Xiety: Hello, and welcome to my second story. Diety here will be helping me, and may be helping me with other stories, too. Anyways, enjoy and review.<br>Diety: 'ULLO, DURRR, GOV'NA! I am female. Xiety is male. Not sure why I mentioned it, just thought people would maybe like to know if I ever say something strangely feminine and you begin to think, "Hmm, that Diety is definitely smoking something strange or perhaps not a boy." Anyways... enjoy? Or, at least, try to.**

**Disclaimer: LoZ (and its characters) do not belong to us. If it did, there would be a lot less sales.**

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><p><strong>Chapter 1<strong>

_**The Misadventure Begins**_

"So, this is the legendary Four Sword, originally the Picori Blade? The sword that duplicates a person?" a boy in a green skirt - er, _tunic_ - asked. We'll call him Link. Maybe because that is really his name, but nonetheless, we're calling him that.

"Yup," replied a blonde girl. We'll call her Princess Zelda, because she is a princess and a Zelda.

"And it is to be used only in emergencies, you say?"

"That's about it."

"Well, alright, then. Just wanted to make sure I've got that down," he shrugged. "Hey, why are you even showing me this-?"

"MUAHAHAHA!" a rather large, flying, purple sea-urchin screeched.

"That's why," she replied bluntly.

(Insert a lengthy battle cry here before the introduction of our villain.) "I AM HERE TO CAPTURE YOU, PRINCESS-!"

"Oh my god, shut up!" Link snapped at the sea-urchin.

"DON'T INTERRUPT ME, BOY! I'VE PRACTICED THIS FOR A LONG TIME AND I WANT TO GET IT RIGHT!"

"Well, nobody wants to hear it!"

"_Ooooh_, he went there," was Zelda's offhand comment.

"SHUT UP THE HELL UP! I'LL RAVAGE-!"

"Why is he speaking in caps? Does he know this?" no one in particular asked. Link will probably come to the conclusion that it is a disembodied voice, sometime later into the story.

"I AM FULLY AWARE OF THIS, DO YOU THINK I AM MENTALLY INADEPT?"

"Now, there's no need to shout," Link scolded.

"CAN YOU JUST SHUT THE HELL UP AND LET ME DO MY DAMN JOB?"

"Okay, but I'm just saying, there's no need to-"

"YEAH, I THINK I GOT THE MESSAGE, THANKS."

"Just looking out for you," Link turned to Zelda. "Who_ is_ this prick, anyway?"

"This is Vaati, the wind mage whom was trapped within the Four Sword-"

"YEAH, AND YOU GUYS COULDN'T GIVE ME A PILLOW OR SOMETHING?"

"Still speaking in caps," Disembodied Voice said casually. "Not that I'd know why..."

"-who has evidently managed to escape the seal. Our bad."

"YES, I'VE ESCAPED THE SEAL, YOU WEAK, INSIGNIFICANT HUMANS! TIME FOR YOU TO ENDURE MY VICTORY DANCE!"

"Well, it can't get much worse than this," Link sighed.

"DAMN IT ALL TO HELL, WHERE'D THAT BITCH GO?"

Link looked about and noticed Zelda's absence as well, then pointed toward an irrelevant fat man. "There."

"LINK, YOU DUMB ASS! WHY DID YOU TELL HIM WHERE I WENT?" Zelda shrieked, stepping out from behind him.

"I'M BEING NICE! YOU SHOULD TRY IT FOR A CHANGE!" Link snapped. "Pfft, call me a dumb ass, will you…?"

Zelda was then carried away by the urchin which apparently had an arm (yes, _an_ arm), flipping him off and screaming profanities at him along the way.

"Let's see, Zelda just screamed inappropriate things at me and I'm totally broke and alone... not to mention the fact that I probably won't be able to bring her home before curfew. Sounds like an emergency to me!" Link heroically marched up to the pedestal and yanked the Four Sword out, only to be sorely disappointed that he was unable to lift it above his head triumphantly in a most cliché manner, mainly because it was so damn heavy. The weight of the blade had him falling face-first into the dirt.

Out of thin air had appeared three other Links, all alike (surprise, surprise) aside from the fact that their skirts were red, blue, and violet (apparently, purple is incorrect). We'll call them Red, Blue, and Violet, respectively, because "Red Link" would be quite a mouthful.

"No, it wouldn't," said Disembodied Voice.

Just for that, we're now calling you DV.

DV said nothing.

"Jesus, that's sad," Blue frowned, looking down on Link.

"Don't say that, it's probably the first time he's ever held a sword," Violet the ever-so-kind-and-possibly-gay defended.

"Yes, but, even so..." Blue shrugged.

"LULZ! You have a girl name!" Red pointed at Violet, laughing his little arse off. Violet scowled, most unappreciative of this comment. I suppose we should call the small, gay one Vio for short. Poor guy.

Link grunted as he got up and dragged the sword around by the hilt. "How do you guys carry these?"

"You put it in your hand and hold it, numbnuts," Red snorted. "It's simple."

"Just because it's simple, that doesn't mean it's easy!" Vio the ever-so-helpful-and-definitely-gay said, jumping to Link's side again.

"Simple means easy, genius."

"No, it doesn't."

"I'm not going to waste my time to argue with an idiot!" Red retorted.

"Okay guys, let's go save Princess Zelda," Link interjected. "I've gotta get her home before midnight, pretty sure that's when all princesses have to be home, otherwise her dad might think we've been... canoodling..."

"I love Mr. Canoodles!" Vio piped up. Blue face-palmed of epic proportions.

"Now I'm hungry," Red barked.

"Yes, we should eat so we have energy for the long and strenuous journey ahead of us," Link said. "Naw, I'm kidding. I'm just a fat ass and will take any excuse to put off doing work."

"I guess Vio and I will spar while you guys go eat," Blue said.

"Alright, just don't wrestle or anything, he may get... overexcited."

Vio fumed. "I AM_ NOT_ GAY!" He then proceded to sit upon a nearby log and apply lip-gloss.

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><p>"Those squirrels were very delicious," Link commented.<p>

"Yeah, but personally I thought the old lady was the best," Red added.

"Oh, yes, very tender meat. The heart was delectable."

"I very much enjoyed the small instestine - HOLY MOTHER OF NIPPLES!"

"What, has it just occured to you what horrific and vile excuses for people we are for ingesting a human being? 'Cause I think it's starting to hit me."

"No, look!" he pointed toward a very much conscious Vio and a very much unconscious Blue.

"FRIENDS!" Vio giggled as he skipped over, wearing a daisy chain and placing one each on Link and Red. "You were gone so long, I was SO worried..."

Red removed his daisy chain instantly and stuffed it into Vio's mouth. "What the hell went down over here?"

"Blue and I had a lovely sparring match and the better man won, I suppose," he managed to reply after swallowing flowers.

"Better _woman_ won," Link corrected. Red nodded.

"Aren't you supposed to be delicate and girly?" Red pressed on.

"Yes, but I can kick ass."

"Cool."

"Ugh... What happened?" Blue asked, arousing.

"Haha, _arousing_," DV snickered.

SHUT UP!

"Never mind that, let's just get going," Link huffed. "We have to find Zelda soon because I'm pretty sure Vaati's perverted or whatever, he said something about _ravaging_-"

"QUESTION!" Red interrupted. "Where the hell is this Vaati? And the Zelda chick?"

"... You make an excellent point."

"I make everything excellent."

"Well, I suppose we could use this rather large semi-truck which the author has placed conveniently in our midst for our use," Blue said, pointing at a large semi-truck which was conveniently placed in their midst for their use.

"Great! Good work, Blue."

He shrugged nonchalantly. "I try."

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><p><strong>Thanks for reading! Reviews, please? We will update as frequently as possible. It's not our fault we have lives, we're just ridiculously popular... with Nintendo characters...<strong>


	2. Why You Shouldn't Hijack a SemiTruck

**[Authors' Note]**

**Next chapter. Sorry for the wait! We know a couple of words isn't _nearly_ long enough of an apology for how long it took to finally update (ALMOST TWO FLIPPIN' MONTHS), but hey, it's been updated, right? ^^" Again, _SO SORRY!_**

**Disclaimer Which Was Much Forgotten Before: We don't own _LoZ_ (trust us; if we did, it'd be a _lot_ more interesting) or any of its characters. Or any of the mentioned _Star Wars_ characters, for that matter. Just read. And forgive our greatly delayed update.**

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><p><strong>Chapter 2<strong>

_**Why You**** Shou****ldn't**** Hijack a Semi-Truck**_

The gang strolled up to the convenient semi-truck (with the acception of Vio and his skipping) to examine it. Link tugged on the handle.

"It's locked," he deduced.

"No shit, Sherlock."

"Who?"

"I dunno."

"Well, how are we going to get in?" Blue interjected into Link and not-really-established-character's conversation.

"You guys are noobs," Red snorted. "Let me handle this."

"Who actually says 'noob'?"

But unestablished-character was not answered, for Red had then proceded to smash his head violently into the passenger window.

"Access granted."

"That's what she said," DV sniggered. I don't know why I even let him stick around - assuming that is _is_ a "him," mainly because its voice greatly resembles that of C-3PO's. Though I can't exactly imagine C-3PO sniggering.

"You _are_ aware that there are multiple shards of glass imbedded into your skull, right?" Link cringed.

Red shrugged. "I'll take care of it later."

_"Or_ you could take care of it now. You know, before you bleed to death all over the pavement."

"Nah, who cares? Besides, I'll just lose a heart."

"Well, I suppose - wait, _what_?"

"What?"

"What do you mean, 'I'll just lose a heart'?"

"Ugh, you know this!" Red rolled his eyes. "We all start off with three hearts - hella cheap, but no big deal, 'cause we gain more once we beat temples and shit. They've upgraded it in _Skyward Sword_, though, he begins with six. Stingy assholes..."

Link blinked, utterly nonplussed. "_What_?"

"I know! It's like he gets special treatment or something! Did you know that they let him sleep?"

"Red, that's totally-! Wait, he can _sleep_?"

"Yeah, and he can shit! Like, he can _actually shit_! Man, do you know what I'd give to be able to just sit down and take a massive-?"

Link shook his head rapidly and cleared his throat. "Errm, that's enough out of you. Besides, you're completely insane."

"I'm not making it up, he sits, too-"

"I don't mean the upgrades in the new game! I mean this crap about hearts!"

"It's true, numbnuts!"

"Red, if you expect me to believe that we have multiple organs-!"

"LADIES, SHUT UP THE HELL UP GET IN THE DAMN TRUCK!" Blue screamed out of the windowless window. "It's freezing just sitting here!"

"Yes, I, too, am rather cold," Vio agreed, inching closer to Blue and wrapping an arm around his shoulder.

"Remove your arm or you will soon find yourself very much without it."

They were soon assembled within the large vehicle.

"How do we get this thing started?" Blue questioned.

"You're the smart one, you figure it out," Link responded.

"I'm not smart, I'm the voice of reason!" Blue fumed. "And even if I _were_ smart, that wouldn't give me the ability to pull information on hijacking a semi-truck out of my ass-! Whoa, hey!"

"Get out of the way," Red snapped as he vigorously shoved him aside. He knelt beneath the steering wheel and began to fiddle with the wires.

"I need tape," he soon said.

"I've got some." Blue handed him a roll.

"Pray tell why you carry a roll of tape with yourself?"

"You never know when it comes in handy. You need it now, don't you?"

"Whatever."

A few minutes later the engine started up and Red emerged. "Here we are - a hotwired semi-truck."

"Okay then."

They began to drive merrily into the sunset as two drunken and scruffy men beneath a palm tree jerked awake at the sound of their beloved vehicle puttering off.

"Hey, did'chu hear summat?"

"Naaw, I been asleepin'... HEAVEN TO BETSY'S UVULA, DAT BE OUR TRUCK DISAPPEARING OVER THE SUNLIT HORIZON!"

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><p>"Dude, do you know where we're going?" Blue asked Link from the driver's seat, peering over at the map in his hands which they'd discovered previously within the dashboard.<p>

"Chill, buddy, I've got it covered - _OI_, KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE ROAD!"

Blue retreated sulkily, mumbling profanities to himself.

"Jeez, and you're supposed the _smart_ one..." Link griped.

"VOICE OF _REASON_!"

"Whatever."

"Would you two shut the hell up and figure things out so we can get this truck to a repair shop and fix that damn window?" Red snapped from the back. "That breeze is freezing and Gayness here thinks he's a freaking supermodel."

It was true, Gayness - damn, _Vio_ - was posing with windswept hair and taking multiple pictures of himself with a random camera.

Blue squinted into the side-view mirror. "Hey, Link, I think we're being followed..."

"Nah, it's just a couple of bikers," Link replied nonchalantly, crossing his ankles on the dashboard.

"No, they're definitely chasing us... One of them has a fairly large bazooka pointed this way and the other's holding up a sign that says 'WE WANT OWR TRUK BAK, YE BASTERDS.' "

Link rolled his eyes and huffed dramatically the way a mother would to her child for bothering her over a cookie, or a teenager would to her grandparents for bothering her about the internet.

"Oh my God, Blue, you're so paranoid! We're not being tracked by some strangers on motorcycles, quit being a whiney bitch!"

Blue turned to the windshield, positively fuming and hissing awful things about Link involving a brick and his rectum.

"Doesn't anyone need to piss?" Link asked. "We've been at it for hours."

"Link, that raunchy language of yours is positively unbecoming," Vio sniffed. "Can't you substitute that horrid word for something more subtle? Perhaps 'tinkle'?"

Link blinked, looking disgusted. "Perhaps _not_? Who gives a shit?"

"I give two. And don't say that, use something like 'steam'-"

"Need to piss, Red?" Link cut in. "You wouldn't shut up about it a while back."

"Yeah, but it's fine now."

"Don't just hold it in, we'll stop-"

"I have to wash my tunic."

"That's not normal."

"EWW!" Vio shrieked, picking up on Red's hint. "That is so unsanitary, it's not even funny! That couldn't ever be funny on any level, whatsoever! What sort of deranged animal can't hold in its own bodily fluids?" Waving his arms like a screechy blonde who lost her lipstick, he proceeded to _Febreze_ the place into oblivion.

"OKAY, VIO, I THINK THAT'S ENOUGH!" Blue snapped as they all coughed and hacked. "It smells like a woman's armpit in here!"

After a boring pit stop involving buying Red some news clothes and purchasing a paper bag for Vio to hyperventilate in, they assembled back into the heavily flower-scented truck, glaring at Vio while doing so.

Blue checked all the mirrors before starting up and noticed the two bikers again.

"Link, this doesn't look right - one of them's lighting a stick of dynamite and I'm pretty sure that there are grenades in that sack."

"Ugh, _fiiine_," Link groaned. "What should we do about 'em?"

"Umm, beat them shitless?" Red shrugged. "I'm in an excessively violent mood."

"You're _always_ in an excessively violent mood," Blue pointed out.

"Well, I guess we could," Link mused. "There's a possibility of getting our asses whooped, though."

"Guys, waging war isn't the answer-"

"SHUT UP, VIOLET, NOBODY LOVES YOU!"

"It's _Vio_!" he bawled. "And Jesus loves-"

"WELL, EVERYONE ELSE THINKS YOU'RE AN ABNORMAL LITTLE PRICK."

Blue leaned out of the window and turned back to them, stating that they had now managed to whip some cannons out of nowhere. Nonetheless, there were cannons and they were lit.

"Alright, let's do this thing," Red grinned maniacally as he cracked his knuckles.

They all exited the vehicle and approached the truckers in battle stance. Vio followed a few yards behind, twiddling his thumbs nervously and singing to himself.

Red ran toward their opponents with a raised fist and an AK-47. Much fighting commenced. Shortly afterward, somebody was badly injured, cueing a clichéd and rather overused "Gasp! How dare you hurt my friend?" moment from none other than Vio.

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><p>"Damn, Vio, that was super kickass for a purple patsy," Link said approvingly as he pressed an ice-pack to his head.<p>

"Yeah, how did you do that move where you tied his arm around his leg?" Blue asked inquisitively. "Your stealth is incredible."

"I can never get anyone's bones to snap quite so loudly!" Red practically drooled in awe.

As they were readying themselves for the road again, a siren sounded and they could see red and blue lights in the mirrors.

"Oh, shit," DV sighed. Hey, look, he's back! Been wondering where he went. "You're in for it this time."

"Shut up, we'll get out of this!" Link seethed.

A portly officer approached the driver's side and knocked on the door.

"Okay, _be cool_!" Link hissed.

"By your definition of 'cool'?" Red snapped skeptically. "Yeah, I don't think so - you wear a _skirt_, for Christ's sake."

"Hey! So do you, you douche!"

"Only because we're forced to since we're replicas of yourself, shit-for-brains!"

"_Oi_!" Blue bellowed before quickly dropping his voice again. "How about you girls quit the sqwacking and start acting like _normal, innocent people_?"

Red was about to retort something vulgar when the cop banged on the door again. "This is the police! Present yourselves with your license and registration, please!"

"Oh, _this_ should be good," DV interjected, snickering gleefully.

Blue went for the handle before Link slapped his hand away. "I got this, bro."

Blue's eyes narrowed incredulously as he crossed his arms. "Bitch, please."

"YOU_ GUUUYS_!" Vio whispered shrilly before anybody could forget he was there. "Could you _please_ just open the door and get this over with? I doubt that the police have much more patience!"

Link cleared his throat and pushed the door open before anyone could object. "Why, good afternoon, officer! What brings you to these parts?"

The cop raised an eyebrow and pointed his flashlight in Link's face, even though it was only three pm and the sun was shining. "There's been a report on a grand theft auto regarding a semi-truck with the exact description as yours. License and registration, please."

"YOU CAN HAVE MY FIST IN YOUR FACE!"

Temporarily-Blinded-Link didn't have much time to process what had happened next, except that he was mashing the gas-pedal on Red's command and somebody had taken the wheel frantically.

"_RED_!" Blue shouted. "WHAT THE SHIT? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? YOU _DO_ REALIZE WE ARE NOW CONVICTS, RIGHT? ESCAPEES? THEY'LL HUNT US DOWN!"

"Cool," he grinned as he swerved trees and bushes, Link's foot still glued to the gas-pedal. "I've always wanted to be on the internet."

"What the hell is going on?" Link panicked as his vision regained. "Red, did you deck that cop?"

"Sure as hell!" Red beamed stupidly.

"_OoooohmyGod, oooooohmyGod, we're so dead, our lives are over..._" Vio whimpered in the back. Nobody noticed him much and let him be. At least he wasn't being a complete fruitcake, as usual.

"We're gonna get caught, Red," Blue sighed exasperatedly. "They've definitely called for back-up by now and are probably on their way."

"I know what I'm doing."

"NO, YOU _DON'T_!"

"Stay out of this, Link!"

"Are you insane? I am very much in this! I'm in the effin' truck, aren't I?"

"Red, you dipshit-" Blue's rant was suddenly interrupted by multiple sirens, growing louder as they quickly approached.

"_OHHHMYGOD_!_ OOHHHMMYYGAAAWDDD_,_ WE'RE DEAD_! _WE ARE DEAD_! _WE ARE SO FLIPPING DEAD_!" Vio shrieked, jumping atop of Blue and clawing his face like a cat. "NO BEAUTY SCHOOL WILL EVER ACCEPT ME AFTER THIS!"

"_GAH_! VIO, GET _OFF OF ME_, YOU CREEPY SHIT!" Blue roared, trying to shake him off. In his futile efforts to remove the freak from himself, Blue fell backward and bumped into Red, which sent him sailing into Link, which sent Link sailing... through the windshield.

"WE'RE GOING TO RUN HIM OVER!" Blue hollered. He reached for the steering wheel and tugged it to the right as hard as he could. The semi-truck flung itself in the very direction and right into a ditch, proceeding to roll down the steep hill at top speed, only stopping to collide with a gigantic tree.

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><p><strong>...Cliffhanger? Ish? Yeah, it's probably too early for a cliffhanger at this point in the story (which, in all reality, it's so early in the story that there really isn't a point), but what happens afterwards is basically a complete change of scenery and topic and yadayadayada. It calls for a new chapter, to be put bluntly.<strong>

**You probably hate us dearly for making you wait forever and then giving you an itty-bitty chapter with a crap cliffhanger. Again... we're so sorry. -_- So deeply sorry. Like, seriously. We took a _looong_ flippin' time to update.**

**So, review. Tell us what you think. Reviews are always good.**


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